The FanGirl Invasion: Part 1

Part 1 of a saga.

THE FAN GIRL INVASION.

DEIDARA’S 16^TH BIRTHDAY.

09:58

“Don‘t worry, Dei-chan,” Sasori said soothingly to the shivering little blond. “I‘m sure they‘re just bluffing.”

Kisame peeked out the privacy curtain.

“Actually, they‘re still there.” the were-shark corrected. “I think there are more than before.”

“What‘s with the giant clock?” Itachi asked, making a few more Akatsuki agents peer out the window too.

“It‘s a count down.” Kakuzu explained. “And whatever they‘re counting down to, there‘s only two more minutes to wait.”

“Why can‘t they just leave?” Deidara asked looking small and venerable. “I can‘t accept the fact that I‘ve only got two more minutes to LIVE, un!”

Pein opened the lounge door with a very solemn look on his face. Konan looked pale.

“There‘s only one thing we can do.” Pein said gravely. “When that clock strikes 10am, they will overwhelm this fortress to reach their prey. Deidara‘s sixteenth birthday may very well be his last if we don‘t hide him, defend him from the fan girl hoards that are gathering on our doorstep.”

“You‘re turning sixteen?!” Hidan gawped. “F***! We‘re done for! I barely made it out of mine alive!”

“My eyes were bleeding for days…” Itachi recalled quietly.

Kisame peeked behind the curtain again.

“Zetsu‘s coming in.”

Zetsu poked up out the wall on cue.

“Sir, I don‘t think we could even call that a hoard anymore.” he said gesturing to the window.

“How many?”

“Thousands, sir.”

“Has anyone seen Mairin?” Sasori asked, an arm around the soon-to-be-fan-girl-fodder-sixteen-year-old.

“She‘s probably leading them.” Hidan growled wrathfully crushing his coffee mug in one hand.

“One minute.” Tobi said unhelpfully.

“Crap!” Hidan yelled.

“Konan!” Pein ordered instantly. “Tobi, you too! We‘re barricading you two and Deidara in his room! We‘ll hold them off as long as we can. There‘s no knowing what horrible things they‘ll do to you if they catch you. Living with ten guys never goes unpunished by fan girls.”

Konan nodded, teary-eyed.

“Everyone, move!” Pein instructed. He turned to Konan. “When I get back… if I get back… I want a hero‘s welcome.”

She nodded again and kissed him tenderly on the lips.

“Now go.”

Running down the corridor she heard Sasori yell to Pein.

“They backdoor‘s about to give out!”

“Hold it as long as you can! They must not get their fan girl hands on Deidara!”

“Yes sir!”

* * *

“Zetsu-cha~n!”

“Open up, Zetsu!”

“Come on Zetsu!”

Zetsu could feel the fan girls trying open his Venus fly trap. He’d only managed to bury himself up to his neck in his attempt to keep as many of the fan girls away from the base as possible.

Suddenly he heard ten, long, loud chimes of a clock.

“So it begins.” his black half muttered.

“Good luck to both of us.” replied the white half.

Suddenly a line of light hit him.

“What the-?! A crowbar?! Where do fan girls get a crowbar?!” he yelled, clamping the Venus fly trap tighter around him.

The crowbar wouldn’t work.

Then they started up the chainsaw and Zetsu actually started to panic.

“No! It might hurt him!”

“Oh yeah! Let’s use the digger my dad lent me!”

“Oh crappage.” Zetsu grumbled as he heard the digger pull up.

* * *

“Zetsu‘s down!” Sasori yelled down the corridor. Pein was barricading Deidara’s room with the help of Kisame, Itachi and …. …. ….

“TOBI?!” exclaimed Pein as Tobi shifted the sofa. “YOU WERE MEANT TO BE IN THE ROOM NOT HELPING MY BLOCK IT!!!”

Tobi paused.

“Oopsie.”

“Hide, damnit!” yelled Pein. “Sasori, how‘s the door?”

“I can‘t hold it anymore!” he yelled. “It‘s gonna break!”

“Hold out just a bit longer!”

“Yes sir!”

Sasori looked at his army of a thousand puppets.

“All ready?” he asked himself with a bitter chuckle. His chakra strings were shaking.

Suddenly a hand burst through the door, grabbing at the air until it landed on his shoulder.

Sasori threw himself forward, readying his puppets for mortal combat.

One thousand puppets and one puppeteer puppet was nowhere near enough for the legions of rabid fan girls.

“Sasori-ku~n!!!”

“NO! You‘ll never take me ALIVE!!!”

Within three minutes his puppets were mere piles of limbs on the floor. Desperately he tried to turn and run, but with a sudden yank he found himself suddenly shorter.

“I‘ve got his leg!”

“I‘ve got his other leg!”

The fan girls ran about waving his limbs.

Sasori tried to drag himself away with his arms but soon fan girl hands were on him and tying him to a stake. Hefting him high in the air they began to chant

“WE HAVE SASORI-NO-DANNA! WE HAVE SASORI-NO-DANNA!”

* * *

“Damn you, Hell-risen creatures, DIE!!!” yelled Hidan swinging his scythe. These fan girls… they were invincible… immortal… they just kept getting back up, happier and more determined than ever.

For every three he cut down, ten replaced them. He was surrounded.

Suddenly his scythe was grabbed and almost wrenched from his hand.

“Oh no you don‘t-” he snarled snatching it back.

Then they grabbed his sleeves and pulled, ripping the cloak clean in half.

Hidan sighed.

“S***, I just knew this was a bad day to go commando.”

Glomp.

Kakuzu was holding his own when he saw Hidan be dragged under the fan girl currents.

“Take my heart Kuzu-chan!!!”

“No, take mine! It‘s all yours!”

“I love you Kakuzu!!!”

Kakuzu had to reach his partner. He saw him surface and claw his way back up to the top.

“Aw, what a cute little Jashinist.”

Hidan’s expression was priceless.

“Little Jashinist? LITTLE?” he quoted, almost enraged. “I object to that statement! I am a VEYR BIG Jashinist thank you very much! That‘s it, TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!”

“No, Hidan! You idiot!” yelled Kakuzu, wading through the fan girls.

“Y‘know, that sounded better before I said it.” Hidan admitted as he was tied to the stake and lifted into the air. He started struggling and thrashing. “Kakuzu, save yourself!!!”

Kakuzu was dragged down.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

“Wait!” yelled a familiar voice. “Stand back!”

“You traitor.” snarled Hidan.

“Hi Hidan-sempai!” Mairin smiled.

“Can‘t we have them?” asked a fan girl, looking confused.

“No,” Mairin said eying her two sempai. “These two are mine.”

“Oh, snap.” Kakuzu groaned.

* * *

“How do you know this shelf will hold our weight?” Kisame yelled above the sound of shrieking fan girls.

“This is Hidan‘s reserve-porno-shelf.” Itachi explained. “Very high up and capable of holding three point five tonnes.”

“Well there‘s a relief.” Kisame sighed. “Saved by Hidan‘s porno shelf.”

“Kisa-kun! Come down!”

“We want to see your sword!”

“Itachi-kun!”

“Come on down, you little weasel!”

“Crap, what do we do?” Kisame asked. “Any ideas?”

“None.” Itachi admitted.

“Wait, I got one!” Kisame gasped. “Start shredding your cloak. Drop the pieces down for them.”

“It‘s an idea.” Itachi muttered. “Besides, if they catch us, these cloaks won‘t do anything to protect us.”

Kisame gulped and started shredding his cloak.

Five minutes later.

“I‘m running out of cloak, Kisame!” Itachi whispered.

“Improvise!” he replied quickly, taking off his shoes and ripping them.

Another five minutes later.

Both nin were in their boxers, standing on the shelf, well of reach.

“Ok, no more clothing!” yelled Kisame hugging his sword.

Itachi eyed Samehada.

“No.” Kisame reacted instantly.

“It‘s all we have! Just throw it out the door, they might follow it! Then we jump out the window into the pool, then run for it!”

Kisame considered his sword… then his dignity/safety.

He nodded, then raised his sword. With an almighty throw, he threw it through the open door… and the fan girls chased after it.

“Go!” yelled Itachi. Kisame leapt from the shelf onto the window sill and edged across the ledge. Wow, long way down... he could see everything from there, just like on the movies when they edged along the outside of buildings with all the cars moving beneath them on the road like ants… and you know that if you fall, you’re dead…

Wait. Where was Itachi?

He stole a glance through the open window from the outside and saw the fan girls heading back into the room. And the fridge was open, but with the entrance flat on the floor… and Itachi… was in it.

No. Way.

“Itachi, you idiot!” he hissed under his breath, then backed against the walls. They were coming to the window. He held his breath, just in case they heard that.

“Can you see them?” one fan girl.

The fan girl opened the window, just in time for the wind to catch it and slam it open. Whacking the handle smack bang into Kisame’s groin.

Who the Hell put a handle on the outside of a window?!

Akatsuki did.

Kisame swallowed his scream, using all the guts he had.

“No, can‘t see them.” the other said finally closing the window.

Kisame tipped forward and off the ledge straight into the pool.

Itachi was still under the fridge.

He heard the sounds of feet leaving. Once he was sure he was alone he hefted the fridge off himself.

“Kisame?” he whispered. “Kisame?”

No reply.

The window was ajar. He peered out. There was Kisame, floating facedown in the pool. Itachi weaselled down the drainpipe. He crouched at the pool side and started flicking water at his partner.

“Hey! Kisame!” he hissed, trying to keep his voice down. “Get up! Come on, we gotta go!”

Kisame wasn’t moving.

“Hey! There he is!”

“Itachi-kun!!!”

Impossible. They’d found him again.

Itachi didn’t think about what he did next, it was all he could do.

“Tsukiyomi!”

The world went negative Itachi strained to consume the fan girls into his realm.  Dozens. Hundreds. Thousands.

So long as he didn’t lose his concentration, he might be able to pull this off. For a while. But it would lessen their numbers and help Deidara, Konan and Tobi escape.

He just had to keep his concentration.

Then he saw Kisame on one of the T-shaped structures, still being lovingly-verbally-assaulted by the fan girls around him.

Itachi snorted to restrain a laugh, then lost his focus.

His eyes began to bleed.

“Aw!!! Itachi-kun‘s bleeding!!!”

“We have to help him!!!”

Itachi was dragged into the hoard with Kisame… and did not arise.